It's so beautiful. What a pity~

What a journey so far.

It has been quite a while I last felt so peace at heart and the mind is going beyond imagination.
I have been hiding out from the world so much so that only I, myself knows.
Naive. checked.
Stupid. checked.
Emotional. checked.
Mentally drained. checked.

What's left is just A Huge Long Break that I really need.

This complicated feelings that I have now, I Hope...it will come to an end upon the completion of this post.

Responsibility, a word that have always played such an important role in my life came tumbling down on me today.
Promise, a word that I have always wanted people to keep when they are with me had slapped me on the face today making me wonder ...if I deserve such a word from any one.
Happiness, a word that have and still is living in me since the day I was born... came today asking me to clear my debt to her.

Situations like that really make one feel very out of place, down and out.
At the end of the day, it boils down to one word - PRIORITY.
*chuckles*
Are you kidding me? Priority?
All of a sudden the reality is telling me that, "felicia...you have failed to prioritize again. Now, you get it".

I have been battling inside myself to prioritize which should come first on my to-do-list.
I chose R and P but I ended losing my H, vice versa.

After nearly 5 months of  intense and sometimes overwhelming R and P torture, I skidded and fell down.
I forced myself to keep going and the pain get so bad that I wanted to stop walking but I still keep walking.
Finally I stopped and take a look back at how brave and strong I was.
And shocked to see myself still there right on the dot where I fell off unable to even stand up and walk.

The finish line was so near that I can see it already but why am I not walking any more???

.
 ..
. ...
.
......

because...

I took A Look back.


When life is contented, One will never remember to look back but looking to the future instead.
When life is contented, One will not imagine themselves walking in pain but they will imagine themselves running in pain to their destination.
When life is contented, I will not even be writing this little post here.


Well!
Lesson Learned.
Let It Go.
I will welcome my new journey with Empty Handed, Full Hearted.
Because, I just can!
In The Name of MY Happiness.

Yes.
Felicia comes from the word Felicity.
It means Happiness.

See, I told you.
I'll be fine at the end of this post.

Honesty is my new word now, above all...

Be Honest with yourself first before you make a decision.
I guess this is the real meaning behind the Big word -  诚

out~

"Get A Life"

You know the part where you are trying to make it happen yet people are still with their judgemental mindset thinking that what-you-are-trying -to-make-it-happen-thing is just to wreck their things up?

Apparently, I realised, no matter how much one wanna do...or wanna clarify. Humans are just too selfish and egoistic to leave their bloody judgemental mindset to see things in a different way.

I don't really care if you are nobody to me.

But, if its someone that is important...it hurts pretty badly not for just this one time.

It hurts every time it occurs.

How can one be so ignorant?

Don't you ever realise I can ever be hurt by your wild speculations?

Worse, you throw it to my face. LOL!

This time around, I totally feel being accused!

Dammit!

It is time for me to give up on this.

Everyone is talking about getting a life!

*chuckles* how funny...

For once, I asked...Where is my life then?

I have had the fun which people think I am having fun.

I thought so.

Then,

I realised, I will not get any life till I get over this thing.

That is my life.

Human is greedy.

They want it this time. They want it every time.

I am right here trying to give someone their life.

WHO on earth will give me A Life then?

How ironic.

You know what is the saddest thing?

It is not when you dont have a life or you are lonely or you are broke.

The saddest thing is leading a life of a person who is trying to give people back their life...

And accidentally led people's life instead of their own one.

Alrighty, enough of all these.

LOL!

Go get a life U!

Direction, where did you go?

Its been sooo long since the last time I updated this blog of mine. Glad that I have maintained this customized webpage address though. Loads of insightful moments happened during the past MIA months. 

Well, I have graduated.

I got a job offer.

I got home and got back to Australia again.

It seems like a 100% satisfaction in life with everything fallen into places just like how it was planned...

BUT

there is always a but in life hey?

Anyway, instead of seeing the sunlight shining brightly above my head making the road ahead seems so unexpected and tiresome...I realized this little shadow that have always been following me had suddenly became the umbrella above my head. Time to get back to reality I guess.

When the sun is starting to burn into your skin, making the eyes sore, making every foot steps ever slow...

we both know, it is time to turn around and walk backing the sun.

Rainy Days will come to an end right?

This time around...

Sunny Days will come to an end but for the better.

The Umbrella will come to my rescue, thats for sure. =)

feL

Disappointment

Whenever I thought of the two of you and your doings...I couldn't stop but feeling disappointed.

Forgiving

Series of problems occurred for the past 6 months...
It took me a while to find a solution to everything ( well, most of it)
And today at this very moment, I find this feeling the best!

I've led the past months with many many resentments, complaints, ungrateful and unforgiving...for myself.
For a very long time, I am never kind to myself. I am cruel to myself. I can never find any reason to make myself feel at best. I've always put myself out there at the very worst situation thinking that it is the best way to trained myself to be a strong one.
I have been pushing myself to the limit thinking that I am the best if I can make it through.
I grew up with the mindset that a person that have never been through harsh times will not be able to enjoy the  better future.

At this point, I would say - I was wrong.
I was never right.
The expectations that I have for myself is proven too much and its beyond reach.
I should not have complained about how terrible I was,
I should not have resented about myself,
I should have forgiven myself whenever I have made a mistake rather than feeling sorry about it to the extent that it pull me down under the water.

As today went by...
I will take each day as it comes and be forgiving to myself.
Mistakes happened in order for us to learn.
Forgiving happens in order for us to continue loving one self and another more.
Before you open your heart to accept back that one person in your life, You first, will have to forgive yourself.

I, hereby, forgiving myself and let love lead the way.
To all the guilt, lack-of-love me's, resentments, expectations...
I Let You Go with open arms.